Anyone else ever feel like life is just a series of shit from your past on repeat, with the sole purpose to test how much you've truly healed?
I took a trip back to the Okanagan this weekend to visit my grandson and some of my other family. While there I went to run some errands in town and took a left when I should've taken a right. I ended up in the down town core.....filled with nostalgia. All the places I had avoided for years.
Places I had been arrested for drunk in public, creating a disturbance, shop lifting, bar fights...just to name a few. There may have even been an incident that involved a police car.
Point being, these things are things I've done. Not who I am.
It's embarrassing to think about. There's shame and humiliation attached to each one of those behaviors. I was entitled, chose shitty friends, and had very little regard for the consequences of my actions or who it affected. In a nut shell I was an immature brat.
So why am I admitting to this? Because I know I'm not alone. I'm not the only one with a less than desirable past. If you're feeling like you're drowning, I'm here to tell you, you can change it. It will come with hard work. It will mean starting over. That might mean zero friends, a new job, or moving to a city where you know noone. (That's what I needed to do) It might mean even changing your name so your past has a harder time finding you. (Also something I did. I began going by my first name instead of my middle one) The point is, you are not alone. You are not a terrible person and you can be any version of yourself you want to be. Will it hurt? Probably. It certainly hurt today going down memory lane. Remembering the pain I had caused other people was buckling. Will you miss some people from your past? Likely. I did today. Not everyone from my past was terrible. Most of them however associated with people who were a part of the pack from my past. This is where I need to simply "wish them well" as one of my previous blog post talks about. I am creating a different future.
I have gone on to own several different businesses, become a best selling co - author, and most recently a film producer. I've also had to work at learning to accept the praise that comes with the accomplishments which at times can be a hurdle. When you've been to the bottom, sometimes it's hard to shake the feeling that "you don't deserve happiness" or "you don't deserve success". Kick that thought in the teeth because it's lying to you. You do and you will, if you do the work required. Maybe that's therapy, maybe that's joining substance abuse groups, maybe that's making amends with those you've wronged. Whatever it is, you've got this!
If you're still breathing, it's never too late. Get to work...
When's the last time your past tested you to see if you were still tempted?