I've read for years that being disappointed in someone is really them violating your expectations.
I hate that, mostly because I don't like either one of my choices as a result. I either have to lower my expectations, which has me instantly digging in my heels, or I have to get real good at living with disappointment. The trouble with number 2 is it causes me to get distant real quick.
I'm a cut and run kind of girl. Protects my heart. Also my sanity. I don't pretend to be easy. I know that I'm rough around the edges. Truthfully though, I'm not as tough as I seem. So what is the compromise to my dilemma?
I'm currently at odds with my daughter. I had a moment where I allowed something to become personal and I spit fire in her dad's direction. Not cool. Shouldn't have done it. It was a mom fail! I owned it. Apologized for it, and it's been fairly quiet since. My relationship with my twins is so different compared to that of my 19 year old. I didn't raise my twins. I met them as adults, so figuring out the boundaries has a learning curve. A large one.
Oddly this moment has brought me full circle with my birth mother. I'm going down the birth family, family tree this year and I'm wondering if my brothers have any photos of my biological mom. I only have one. It got me to thinking of how when I look at the pic of her, i really have no connection to it. To her. It made me sad. It made me think of myself and my daughter. Is that what I want for her? Do I want her to look at my pictures one day after I'm gone and have no connection?
So the question becomes, do I lower my expectations of what I think our relationship should look like? It's no hallmark meets ancestry page that's for sure! It's been tough. Complicated. Layered. Maybe we need a break for a bit to let things settle? Maybe we aren't the ones that need to talk as regularly as we used to? Would I be ok with that? Is that even my choice? Would therapy help?
I don't know at this moment. Maybe for now, I simply need to stop expecting things. An answer, a truce, a relationship. As a parent, I'm not entitled to any of it and maybe that's the toughest lesson of all.